This question is one of those which figure on the top of a list of doubts that often cross my mind, kind of hard to answer dilemmas. It is presented if we try to weigh emotions and rationalize them enough so we can attribute a dimension to them, and from that numerical or qualitative attribution we will then eventually, and more easily, be able to decide on any subject. By being stuck to a feeling for too long we will run over every nuance behind the cause and meaning of it all, of this condition by you caused yet one that you unacknowledged. Yet you know it and that’s what adds a certain frustration to this cycle. How can one inculcate lucidity in someone? But more importantly, how can I solve me and free me from this self-made trap?
To envision all this in the person you are is the equivalent of using a cheat to achieve a goal, the feelings I held for you have become easy triggers… the reasons, I created them all, and well you gave them to me too, whether you knew it or not. For I can’t say this is all fruit of my fantasy. No, you are an entity that has a life that brought joy to mine. This I know for sure. And once we find motive a first time, we have just demystified a possibility that might have once been pretty foreign to us, maybe never bound to be materialized. That’s what we’ll see if we look at our past, we were never capable of telling how and why such situation was inevitable, or perhaps not inevitable but utterly plausible and thus, its occurrence shan’t be received with stupefaction, right!? If I am and you are, then we being is just a matter of interpretation, of choice and will.
But let’s say I’ve learned and I knew the moment when it couldn’t continue no more, your vibes pale, the moment it was to stop being as it used to be, always. Let’s say again that I now try so see you as someone unworthy, maybe as a result of this “different” facade of yours I started to see… and let’s say too that I’m so optimistic that I believe in this contempt I now long for you. To act on this feeling might be easier than you think, to hate… hmm hate is too harsh, but let’s instead call it a disrelish that I might nurture and make grow, and by letting it corrupt me I’d end this matter straight away. Because honestly, I’ve always thought that anger is capable of fueling much more change than the opposite state of mind, though I never was able to actually choose that road. I didn’t find the means to despise anything about you, I couldn’t but needed I not, if there was clearly no other way to go about this? Well, however, may I say now that I ended up finding the whole other way about it? I think you too know the answer to this. You’ve always known but you chose to not turn back and I will never loathe you for that, as it’d not be legal under the light of love’s law or myself.
Could I go back, had I that chance, another shot at it with you… If you were to concede it, would I accept it? Which part of me would win there? The mind or the heart. And if one dares to answer this, then what choice would you say either of them would make? It isn’t clear what path any of them would pick in such situation. That’s why maybe this question is unanswerable… and well it’s rare, even odd to have a second chance to finally make something happen for the first time. For what’s over is meant to not return, and about this statement I might assume that neither heart or mind would disagree with me. Yes… yes this is not possible. Why am I still dwelling on it anyway?…