En train de te perdre

It grows early, daybreak ahead and we’re on that phase when the street lamps slowly fall into darkness in a chain reaction. The train is at the platform already, doors ready to open at the push of the button. They close.

I sit, always close to you, if not my body then my gaze, and even if the eyes would happen to daze off, they’d do it only to stare at what resides down there out the window, now moving too fast in the dusk to be seen. Your head, it lays soft on my shoulder and I can’t fail to rest my head on yours as well, that feel of you on me. Your scent. I’d touch your hair, absorb its color, memorize it as if that time would be the last of this sort.

As it stops, periodically, you look around to only notice that no… we still are not there, where we’d leave. Your makeup, wrecked after the night, that even at its best could never do justice to your untaught beauty. The strain on your eyes, as red as mine, but how that tone of carmine ate pieces of your irises’ dampest blue, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.

You were different. Undoubtedly. No one will ever be like you, neither will I be the one I was back then. Will I ever be better though? Will someone? A lot has changed, my notions, you are no more existent, forever, and as I know, hope and fear.

After all, what I now can say to define you is so little compared to what I felt and how I fell for this, a long time ago. I remember somethings, most faded out of memory. I once struggled with this lack of memory, I wanted to reach all, seize all you had ever exposed me to and never let go. Oh… and it was such an effortless task, but still a task, a burden that I loved more than I could love you at some point. It decayed from the moment I got splashed with the reality that no one else remembered said train ride anymore, not you, only me. And who I am to say that what then happened is the same I can currently recall and call truth, compelling and real enough to drive me to remain a lover that has opened his eyes to your eyes, yours only. Eyes that cried to see yours close and leave, and eyes that now are able to do something seemingly impossible that is to tear and smile simultaneously, thinking of that now forever lost journey.

Do you know what I mostly fear now, in the very end of all this past? Is the possible inability to ever again allow someone to enter my heart and then leave it with a bang as loud as you once shooked me with. I can still hear that echo once in a while, whenever I dare to fall back into the gut of my mind. And well, you wouldn’t believe how quiet it is in there right now!


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