Inutile Disguise

One good thing about the misfortune of having to walk away from someone is the new people you’ll allow yourself to find and possibly know deeply. And they may not even be foreigners that happened to recently and randomly bump into your life, she may be a friend or perhaps actually an outsider to whom you’re just giving a chance because you need it and not cause you feel it. People seem to rush in when you’re available to listen to the requests they make, and well, letting them in only serves for one of two purposes.

You either perceive that love can really be found in someone else or you simply end up missing the love you lost. One heals you, at least temporarily, the other leaves you in a bland state of the same awkward and lovely introspection you have gotten used to, as you’ve been living in it for so long already.

In the end, those who mean nothing will not bother you at all from the day you decide to stop escorting her to those sit-downs on the seafront only to eat some ice cream, share kisses, smokes and experience a clearly inanimate chat. You clearly can’t go on with a person who makes you feel like this sort of spineless being, so that you pass the time with her calculating how much you’re missing somewhere else for being at that place in said time. Therefore, they’ll be the meaningless portion of your rebound period (if we can call it a rebound, though romantics have a hard time doing it, for if it’s not something genuine aiming at eternity, we barely consider it to be of any value for our mind and heart), yet the bad thing is that if it doesn’t struck you, it just won’t truly allow you to forsake your past, and that’s a shitty feeling. You lost your time, learnt so very little and now you still continue to struggle with everything that this person could never be when compared with the one that got away. Summing up, it was a purely disappointing experience.

On the other hand, there’s this lovely woman, you know her, you’ve been contacting her good spirit for a while, years maybe, a well-known friend you casually met, your colleague, but it could just as easily be some angelic stranger that obliviously shed some light upon you and so you start talking. Someone, whoever she is, somehow connecting with you, it’s clear, (is it the friendzone again? Who knows…) we all can tell when romance hits us like this. We loved once, we know how it feels and how to do it again, and there’s no other viable choice, I’ve said it yesterday and yeah, there assuredly is none. Just let go and expect for the sweetest ending. But we can’t help but to overthink with fear, growing restless assuming this will be just a replay of our last story. However, we are wiser, and that’s why we’ll give more of ourselves than we did last time, our best, as whole as we can. We can’t hold back our intentions, be kind regardless of what result it’ll bring you, be you and she’ll probably appreciate how easily you can be you by her side. That may be all it takes and surely all that matters in matters of love.

Love is made of these dualities, the intemporal waiting or the necessity to leave, the helpless need for an other warmth through words, gaze and touch, yet the same one capable of distressing us so harshly, mere losses of time against the only times really worth losing in life, and so on.

And to finish (as some have asked), I here leave an excerpt of my Portuguese “experimental romance”. The majority of you won’t understand it but I found it suitable for this post:

“Dou-me e em troca apenas espero que me acolha, sem pressas, tenho tempo. Porque afinal ela foi a única pessoa capaz de me ensinar que o tempo não para, e no entanto parece quase pausar quando se vive à espera que algo, um dia, nos seja por ele trazido. É engraçado como esse momento tão tardiamente tende a chegar, se é que de todo chega. Eu não sei, mas tanto espero que ela tudo me prometa sem uma única palavra promissora dela ter sequer ouvido, um tom desigual e disparatadamente quente que na sua voz significasse algo mais do que aquilo que evidentemente ela faz parecer. Mas não, nada mesmo ela me murmura, vive distantemente dentro de mim.”


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40 thoughts on “Inutile Disguise

  1. I loved this article as I think everyone can relate to what is written. In my opinion, everything, every relationship and everyone comes with an expiry date, sooner we realize it better it is.
    Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, if i had done something to drain their thoughts I like to believe it was in the most “honest and right way” (whatever that may mean) cause I don’t even think a Man can deal with a woman in a non respectful way. Because it’s a fact that they ultimately need more support than men. That’s why we find confort in their softer personalities and delicate frame. That’s what lies behind our beautiful and unchanging fate that is feeling wholly atracted to them. Nothing more than that.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. In terms of rights and all that, yeah we are equal. But I’m speaking of the essence of our being, women will always be the weaker sex, and that comes from the most primal physical disparities between us, this reality won’t change. Such reality is what carves the main differences between men and women, as i said before. I’m not talking about the principles, equality and struggle society created, that made up comparison between the two genders, instead this is about our nature, psychology and physiology even.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. I’m currently more of a scientist, I’m studying Agronomic Engineering so. Medicine is very interesting, I wouldn’t mind being a doctor, if I had had the grades to achieve it. That’s a hard question but I think scientist suits me better.

              Liked by 1 person

  2. Love is a difficult topic…the only true unconditional love seems to be possible between and mother and her child.
    In any other relationship it just has to ‘click’ and it may not always click forever. You are who you are and it is almost impossible to change anything . Just my feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, in the end we can say that everything may cease to exist at some time if the wrong steps are taken or proper motivations and feelings lack.
      However, you’ve already spoken to me about this mother-child bond once and it made me think a little.
      I presume you’re mainly talking about mother-TO-child love because we know the opposite can more or less easily not happen. In other words, we assume a mother will always love her child more than her child will love her. Do you really think a mother’s love is truly unshakeable? And that a love shared by two people who came to love each other can’t be more (or at least equally) pungent/selfless?
      And I’m understanding when you say “possible”, not defending it will happen for sure, but if it is bound to exist, it will more likely take place between these two entities.
      I sometimes fail to believe that this blood connection implies a deeper capability of entanglement, that in your opinion can surpass any other in strenght and meaning. Thanks for reading as always!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Always..is not a word I would use..there are many exceptions ..and yes, I think a mother loves more..the child has to loosen the ties somewhat and go its own way. Love twixt adults is imo tinged with own needs, dreams and wishes..of course. I can only speak from observations I have experienced…that allows everyone their own opinion about the subject of LOVE.xxx

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, in a relationship we can never mute our own individuality (neither should we), and that always brings some more flotation to the communion of two people, that’s right.. 😉 xx

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    1. Yes, I believe so. With age comes a sharper capacity of judging relations and people as we develop some more emotional sobriety. Of course I’m still only in the beginning of that path, chronologically at least, a journey started on your late teenage years, when we begin to learn how feelings actually feel like. But I can tell it goes pretty much as you say. Thanks for reading!!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I find it quite a bad thing, bad that less people come into our lives that is. It is of course down to the individual, their personality etc, I am sure some seek it and find it. But not all of us, I am not even talking lovers here, I am talking even general friends, new people to hang out with and spend time with. As we grow we (a lot of us anyway) accumulate a fair number of people we know and then we stop and all that happens is that pool of people dwindles to almost nothing.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Yeah, it happens naturally mainly according to your personality. Do you crave those interactions? A person who does will probably fuel those relations to maintain them. I am not a people’s person, never was, so that I notice that natural exodus happening. People forget if we don’t give them reason to remember us. No relationship endures through time without the proper tending.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I didn’t crave them, for many years I was quite comfortable with a close group of friends (about 5 people), my missus and kids, but as the time has gone on I am not as close to those friends, barely seeing them, and not even really close to my missus and kids (many reasons for that) so now I am beginning to crave it again, maybe for the rush of just finding out other people stories rather than making do with an ever decreasing circle of interactions with the same people.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Yup certain moments in life make us neglect some aspects of it, and then we struggle trying to mend what’s left. It’s hard to be so conscious of all those nuances, to predict or save a future that’s still just a far away prospect. We usually live aiming for a future forgetting it must be built from this very day. And frequently we feel like we don’t have the time to live for us and keep up with others at the same time.

              Liked by 1 person

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