The last words

Last words are so frequently anything but actual words.

They are mainly silences interrupted by muttered vocalizations, lest we hurt who they are directed to, we feel the nothingness awaiting for us to shut up for good.

In front of me, there she was, it amazed me how disturbing it is to wait and watch, and to sense the vagueness arising in time. It’s not the same as it was, some time ago, who changed?

And well, this is the ultimate awareness, the knowledge of losing someone you never had, but yet, there she was for you, more than often. She cared, you more. Is it always supposed to end like it began? With a difference though, strangers may look at each other without feeling a thing and we can’t do that, and that’s happy and sad, but mainly a sensation I can’t even describe.

To not see you at all, overflows me with this complete ignorance, a freeing one, you don’t exist or so it was how you and me, we made things be, vacant. I understand such finale, I do, I was guilty for it, but I wait for the day we’ll look at this end as the day we chose to step back and stop what never started, thus it could hardly go on.

We know, I believe in it, I know you do, and think of me from time to time to perhaps smile or have no reaction at all. That’s how I use my memories, to look up at the sky and grin for a life that is now new to me. It comforts me to remember such things, to rehear your voice as the wet trees touch and whistle, or is it the wind that makes them play such airy noise?

I don’t know anymore, don’t even care. I like to feel you and watch the other events pass me by, I’ve been untouched since I first felt this way, a feeling of alienation, a healthy one full of you and of me, for I found my ways in this heavy moments of loneliness.

I think the end is an inevitability, but the endings themselves, they are undetermined until the moment something clicks inside us, we recall what we might have said and done wrong, or maybe right in moments that were not quite ideal. I could see the change in your eyes, I did and I pretended to despise it for a while. I smiled, so did you.
We were happy up until the day we were not, and that moment, it felt to me like any other, and the moment in itself, it was the same, we made it look as close to usual as we could, and we succeeded.

We’ve been so good in pretending we became null to each other it’s almost funny. And one day, I’ll randomly stand in front of you only to apologize and tell you how dumb we were in choosing such a bland end.


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