Bye! See you no more

In the end, I’m just afraid that she’ll end up lonely or undeserved, or both. No one will ever be good enough company for her, not as good as me, not as understanding as I am, not as in love as I will always be. Maybe I’m just so full of myself, that’s what she probably thinks when I express myself like this.

Loneliness is not found by having no one to touch, but instead in letting yourself be touched just so you can confirm that that touch, it means nothing and feels even less. Loneliness is not something you create, it’s a sensation others allow you to experience, for they don’t get you, they just can’t read you. To make someone feel deserted, it’s not hard at all, people being merely themselves, they may make you feel null, oftentimes, and that’s how it’s always been with her. I once was one of those people as well, a normal guy, a boy that I fortunately stopped being from the day I looked at your aqueous tinted eyes in a different way, the “in love” way. Crowds, they’re there, you’re with them, perhaps you’re used to living like this, but promise me one only thing, do not confound your detachment with the illusion of independence. It’s like you quietly flee from love because you don’t know how to handle it; and you seemed to always be upset every time I would say it, when I touched this spot. Well, I only hope I’m wrong, and you’re as fine as you appear to be.

I’m not blind because I believe you’re flawless, I’m only wise enough to understand your flaws don’t bother me nor decrease the love I long for you. They are you, and I fell in love with you, not with some unflawed version of yourself. The inaccuracies we say and do, they only exist and take place so that we can see who’s around to correct us, who really cares enough to reach out and help us improve ourselves. Who’s apt to notice what the common friend misses, that’s what loving someone means. The others, they can’t be it, just as much as I can’t stop feeling it.

What hurts the most is being forced to leave just so you can respect her will, her wish to live untold and free to rise and fall on her own. When you love her so much that you perceive you’re the only good thing that could and should happen to her. But yet she can’t reach it and so your respect towards her, fomented by this endless love of yours, it makes you depart from her life. If she wants it like this, then I want her too much to deny her that, and so I’m gone, for good.

And in some way I hope she doesn’t come back, for that is a sign she is fine. She was right about wanting me out, she knew what she needed and seized it. I’d love if things worked like that, but most probably she is wrong and she will come to reason one day, while feeling hurt too, aching from the damage I so willfully tried to warn her would come to corrode her golden toned skin. No one can dodge life and live, forever, unloved and unbent, it can’t be like that, we are human. And that day, I won’t say a thing for she remembers just fine what I’ve already said, and still she was so sure of it being the most absurd thing she had ever listened. I was dumb for trying to teach her what she could only learn by herself, and I ruined the trust she had in me for it. I need her to not return to me, because for her to take it all back and be willing to believe me now, it means she’d be too low, bruised so badly that she finds reason in the truths I’ve told, and I don’t want it that way. Truths I wished myself that could somehow and someday turn into lies, but maybe they won’t, unfortunately, and sadly for her, and now I’m not proud to be right, not anymore. I want to be mistaken so that bliss can continue being her own reality, and her farther presence finds the means to keep contaminating my life for the longest of times.

That’s the hardest part and my only true fear. What is really disturbing, is me and my natural tendency to rightly foretell, predicting I’ll be seeing her alone while in company, misunderstood when she is clearly expressing her heart and soul; and she being herself is as clearer as it gets for me, but not for every other person. And assuming, that even if only by the slightest of chances, she’ll be forced to live a life where she won’t be able to be who she is, if she ultimately wants to be fully accepted and truly taken, that’s a thought I can hardly bear.

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55 thoughts on “Bye! See you no more

  1. …but promise me one only thing, do not confound your detachment with the illusion of independence. It’s like you quietly flee from love because you don’t know how to handle it…

    There is so much more I loved about this, too much to mention, beautiful. What a talented writer you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ‘…do not confound your detachment with the illusion of independence. It’s like you quietly flee from love because you don’t know how to handle it…’. That’s me all over. P x x x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thanks for liking my post. If I’d be allowed the opportunity to say something about the few amazing art I have read so far( the 31th August entry and the 3rd Sept entry) I’d only ask a shy question. Are you not so judgemental and tough on your character? Provided she is not real And just a creation of creativity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, first of all, she is real. My compositions are not just romantic creations, abstract lovely tales.
      I write about real moments, what once happened and what it made me feel.
      Maybe I am harsh on myself, but I personally don’t think so. I don’t feel hurt by how I think or express myself, never did. Reality may frustrate me a bit but never shock me. Truths aren’t taunting, not anymore.
      Thanks for the appreciation. Good night!

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I feel that once you begin to feel that someone is lying about stupid shit, then what is going to happen when things get too deep, and you feel you will never be able to climb out. I wish people would say what they mean and mean what they say. I try to live that way.
        Trying to create a love relationship online can be extremely difficult. Messages may get taken out of context, it could be a bit difficult to pick up on nuances, and if you are just using a messenger and nothing visual then you also have to contend with not seeing the other persons’s eyes {which in my opinion happen to be the windows to the soul}. You also are not able to hear inflections in tones of voice, as well as mannerisms. This may be a problem for some and not for others. In my line of studies and teachings over the past 40 years have taught me to be a bit more intuitive and sensitive to the needs of others, but I am not a mind reader, hence; I once again say this…….”Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
        In my personal loving, caring relationships; I give unconditional love, but it seems lots of other people do not truly understand the meaning of unconditional love. And to my detriment at times, I have found that others would just rather close themselves off, and just give up. After a period of time of this happening; the person who is giving their love uncondtionally just lets that person go, and even though it can tear your heart and soul apart; you just want that person to live his/her dream of what they are expecting a love relationship to be like. Sometimes we say too much, and other times we don’t say enough…I try to maintain balance in myself, but there are times in life that we all become a bit shaky, and others really do not know how to handle it. Just reach out to that person who is beginning to stumble and let them know that you are there for them…I think that is pretty much all it would take to get back on track. I could be wrong here; I have been wrong many times. This is just a personal opinion. Good luck, Ricardolis in your search and/or showing your love to this person. Big Hug….Carmela Sposito

        Liked by 1 person

        1. With this post I’m not saying she has derailed and lost herself, I’m maybe seeing her, not going in the track I thought could be the best one, MY track, you understand.
          In closing themselves, or walking blindly on, it can become the wrong thing for her to keep doing, after a while.
          What I somehow consider a mistake of hers is the decision to sort of leave, move away from my radius of effect. And I know that to love someone can get heavy on them, not only on us, especially when they don’t fully understand or appreciate our inexplicable feelings. Maybe she has reasons the break away, to cut every kind of friendly relation we had, maybe she is right. And I respect her, unconditionally, being her right or wrong.
          Thanks for the long deep comment. A truthful and absorbing perspective. 😉

          Liked by 1 person

          1. “Reasons to cut every kind of friendly” ……I am going through this too on a different level and my feeling is that we take the good out of that relationship and hope that one day that person will come back, even as just a friend.
            Haruki Murakami wrote”we can block out the things we don’t want to remember but we must never destroy the history which produced them….it would be like destroying a part of oneself”… I believe that….thank you for writing

            Liked by 2 people

          2. It is true that I can get a bit long-winded in replying to others. But, it seems that my heart and soul begin to take over and that is where my words come from…I truly wish you all the best. Never give up hope and faith. For if it is truly meant to be…it will be. Life is full of twists and turns; and true, pure love is worth all the sacrifices that one may have to make. No matter how many years and sacrifices have to be made.

            Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks for visiting my blog and liking a post. And this is a wonderful piece of writing. For a moment, I paused while reading it.. wondering how everything you wrote seemed to connect to what happened with me three years back. Guess, humans have many similar experiences. :’)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. First I would like to say Thank you for reading something I wrote. I am new to the writing scene and even newer to the blogging world. So A BIG THANK YOU there. 2nd, Wow, I absolutely love this this piece, being that I recently split up with the love of my life of 20 years, I can feel every emotion in every word. In a way I hope she never come back is a priceless statement here, It shows your true love and caring for her. Well done. I will be looking forward to your future work. Again, thank you for taking the time out of your life to have stopped by my blog. Keep up the GREAT work.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You are a wonderful writer. Normally I would shy away from large blocks of text, but I was so pulled in by your words and their lovely, sad melodies that I couldn’t stop myself. I wish I could reach through the computer and travel my arms across the shiny electric energies to hug you tightly. I am glad that you found my tiny WordPress and liked/followed so I could discover you,

    Liked by 2 people

  7. perfect thoughts…feel the same.

    Your care drives you away from her,
    your love doesnt want her back,
    your eyes cant see her alone,
    but your heart wouldnt want her to lose,
    your warmth seems frozen and your attempts gone waste,
    still you know she will somehow remember you….

    Liked by 3 people

  8. “I’m not blind because I believe you’re flawless, I’m only wise enough to understand your flaws don’t bother me nor decrease the love I long for you. They are you, and I fell in love with you, not with some unflawed version of yourself”… 👏👏👏👏👏👏

    Liked by 2 people

  9. A truth: When the title appeared on my email, I quickly open your post because I thought what you mean was you say goodbye to your blog… I am thankful that I was wrong… hehe! Please don’t ever think to close your blog because I love all your works… We can see your soul and your heart in your writings… Agree bloggers…? 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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